Ukulele of Death by E.J. Copperman

Author:E.J. Copperman [Copperman, E.J.]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Published: 2022-12-20T16:00:00+00:00

TWENTY

It would be such a cliché to say I woke up and asked, ‘Where am I?’ And I didn’t say that, I promise.

Of course, it wasn’t that I didn’t want to know where I was; it was more in the area of there was no one in the room with me and asking myself wasn’t going to get me anywhere.

What appeared obvious and equally ominous was that I was in an operating room. The equipment I saw stacked around me in the surprisingly small area was consistent with what I’d seen on television shows about doctors, but theirs were always a lot roomier and more upscale. The TV people had the finest in medical equipment and I could just as easily have been in one of the better auto body shops in Queens. I didn’t have anything else to use for a comparison. I’d never been to a doctor before but I had seen more than one car repaired.

Most worrisome was that I was on a gurney and strapped down so efficiently that even I couldn’t break the bonds. On the plus side I was relieved to see there was no IV line running into my hand.

There was also a security camera positioned directly down at me from the ceiling. Whoever was watching me wasn’t particularly worried that I’d find out. I couldn’t blame them. I was, after all, strapped to a gurney. It was unlikely I’d be doing anything particularly natural or unguarded right now.

After testing my bonds a number of times and realizing they were more up to the task than I was, I decided on the direct approach. ‘Hey!’ I yelled. ‘I’m awake! Let’s get this show on the road! I have a date tonight!’ I had no date because I was playing hard to get with Mankiewicz (and what was that about how someone was following me?), but they didn’t know that. I hoped.

Nobody appeared immediately, which frankly got me a little insulted. Here someone went to all the trouble to abduct and confine me and now they weren’t interested enough to come in and explain themselves? What was I, chopped liver? (Shelly Kroft taught me that one.)

Don’t get me wrong: I was also absolutely terrified. I wasn’t accustomed to feeling helpless. A person like me – and there are only two – is generally able to deal with pretty much any situation that requires physical strength. The fact that this gurney had restraints with steel cuffs and solder instead of bolts indicated that it had been built specifically with me in mind. That was not a comforting thought.

But one thing I have discovered over the years is that showing fear is almost always the wrong strategy. I’m not often afraid but when I am, my immediate instinct is to go straight to snark. And it has rarely failed me.

‘Yo, fellas!’ I got a little louder this time. ‘I’m gonna need to pee soon and you definitely don’t want to be here for that!’

You’d think the thought would have brought in my captors, or someone carrying a bucket, but no.

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